I am very careful about not posting personal stuff here, but I believe this one has sufficiently “official” value that I’ll make an exception. That said, if either of the parties involved reads it, I am prepared to answer to what is said here in private. Just contact me.
Every time I visit my not-girlfriend’s place, the same thought strikes me. She is Japanese and her room mate is Swedish. She has lived in Sweden for 3 years at this point, and has been dating a Swede for 6 years. Still, I see the subtle errors she makes in “Swedish politeness communication” and it reminds me of the time I spent at my ex girlfriend’s brothers’ place.
I notice it because I am forced to play that game myself. Not forced, really, because it’s instinct to me. I say this and I act that way, because I want to make my presence a comfortable one to the person who doesn’t know me but yet, I am there in their house. It is not a Swedish thing, I believe. It reminded me of my time spent at my ex’ bro’s, because what happened there was unexplainable to me at the time.
Basically, at first all was grand. Everyone was happy about my presence and I was happy to be present. Gradually as time went on, that changed. I may have done a few things I shouldn’t have over time but most certainly not to where it warranted that kind of dislike. Admittedly the family was not entirely normal, but they weren’t absolute freaks either. So what went wrong?
My strong belief is that what went wrong is something that cannot be helped to a person who is not a “native”. I am not American, and so I failed to play that game. I played poker on the chess board. Of course the judges’ll frown. Heck, saying I was disqualified is an understatement.
And it happens again, and it makes me very curious. Of course racism appears in such circumstances. Of course turks are idiots, because they don’t know how to behave. At least not in Sweden. Of course Swedes are idiots, because they don’t know how to behave. At least not in Turkey. Circle closed. Different appearances, unfamiliar facial expressions, unfamiliar tones and rhythms of voices, unfamiliar body expressions, and so on. With a less than great understanding for all these matters, and/or with a pre-existing animosity toward others of a particular (or of all particular) origin, it’s obvious what will happen. It’s helpless, really.
If I hadn’t watched carefully, I would probably not have caught it. In fact, I had to think about it for a long while before I figured out what was happening. It makes me curious if anyone else has experienced or feels the same way or if I’m off in my thinking.
Wednesday, 8. March 2006
Interesting article Kalle. I think that there are always going to be cultural differences between those from different places. That said, I also think that people can (and do from many examples I’ve seen) choose to use cultural differences as a crutch to be rude and/or to make someone else feel lesser/unknowledgeable and them the ones who can ‘educate’ you condescendingly about whatever it is. On the other hand, there are those who morph entirely to a culture, or keep their cultural aspects but can deal with people in a non-offensive way.
However… all that said about what you talk about in most of the post, and going back to the beginning of it… a phrase comes to mind that we have down here: “I get what you’re saying, but not what you’re getting at.” (If that makes any sense.)
Thursday, 9. March 2006
Basically what I’m getting at is the fact that there is a subtle form of cultural “code” in every society, that semi-requires you to be born in that society in order to fully understand it. Living in a society for a long time sometimes means you “learn it”, where people around you most likely go “He’s just like a Swede.” (or whatever country/culture it’s about)
That I am surprised this is the case even for a country like America, where diversity is almost the trademark, and also surprised that it is something in my own country, which I haven’t noticed myself before.