I’ve been quiet lately, for many reasons. The biggest reason is probably that my main computer died on me. Luckily I had two more to contend with, though I despise working from the laptop when I’m at home.
The second reason is that I’ve been inspired recently. That, too, has several reasons and is cause for some surprise in my neverending search to figure out what I am. One of the reasons is the weather. Being in Sweden, where nice weather is a luxury, I always get inspired come spring. In fact, I love spring. I love spring more than any other season, but that is not the only reason why I am inspired. Another, big reason is that whenever I face certain types of difficulties, I tend to struggle the hardest. Unfortunately, this is only a particular type of difficulty. I would have loved to be able to say that when I face difficulties I struggle and fight back with nail and tooth, but that is usually not how I am.
It is hard to describe this type of difficulty that does “boost” my inspiration. It is especially hard as I haven’t realized it even existed until last night (well, I have, but I hadn’t put words to it until then). But it has to do with the sense of indifference I feel when everything is okay. The lulling certainty and everyday aspect of “normal”, that tends to take the edge out of my inspiration even at the best of times.
I remember when I was working at a candy store, a few years ago. I loathed that job, and every day as I returned home, no matter how tired I was, I would sit down and work my ass off on code stuff, because I needed it. If I hadn’t, I’d have gone bonkers. That is the kind of difficulty I’m talking about.
My main computer died on me, as I said. Having two others, that is not a big issue, really, but it is. I tend to save my todo list as email entries (since I receive most of my “do”’s via email anyway) and these are now utterly gone until I’m able to get things back up and running. (In fact, I believe they are gone, period, but that’s for later to find out.) My “day-to-day routine” is also completely skewered on a 2×4. I initially told my boss that I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to get back in the thick of things, as I honestly had no idea how well I’d be able to work without things being normal, but to be honest, I’ve worked harder since my computer crashed than I have in months.
What would cause such an odd, seemingly illogical behavior in a man, I wonder? Where the presence of difficulties seems more beneficial than their absence, where inspiration shines the brightest under lesser conditions. I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s an important part of me that I’ve neglected to think about. It may not seem as big a deal. In fact, I’m sure I am not unique in this aspect. I think this drive that I feel is what makes people face great perils to do what they believe in, but that may be farfetched and self-glorifying (not that I ever said I would face great perils to do what I believe in…). In any regard, it is a part of me, and as such it is something I am going to think about. I am determined to get to know this guy that I am better and better.
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