Hospitality must be the most underrated cultural shock in existence. From looking people in the eyes when talking to them, to not staring at people when talking to them (i.e. direct opposites) (and for the record, the former is Sweden, the latter is Japan), to taking your shoes off by the entrance, to the subtle intricacies of properly inviting somebody to — or disinviting somebody from — your house, or a specific event.
New Years I was originally supposed to spend by myself — or with friends, supposedly — because my girlfriends’ family said I could absolutely not attend the new years events they were planning because I wasn’t “family.” I went from “well, sucks, I would’ve liked to hang with my girlfriend on New Years,” to “ah well, I’m sure it’s an important event to the Japanese,” and then to “what the hell…!”, in chronological order.
The reason I went from “ah well” to “what the hell” was that my neighbor Kim, who has gotten a girlfriend fairly recently, was invited to her family’s New Years celebration — so with me and my girlfriend closing in on two years (or one year, if you don’t count the time before I came to Japan), what is so horribly bad about me attending? My girlfriend informed me it was a matter of to what degree the family values Japanese traditions, and I suppose that makes sense. And besides, she eventually compromised things so that she can stay here overnight on the 31st so we will be together on New Years in the end — fairy-tale ending all around. 
Merry Christmas everyone, by the way. It’s actually snowing in Kyoto. Not the stick-to-the-ground kind of snow, but more the wimpy “it’s sorta white but it could just as well be rain” kind you’d expect in a place this far south. On New Years Eve (the 24th, that is), I and my girlfriend went to Kim’s apartment and hung out with 5 other people, ate Swedish christmas food (hurray for IKEA), and watched Kalle Ankas julafton (hurray for BitTorrents) on my neighbor’s computer (hurray for … Windows?), and drank glögg (hurray for IKEA).
The 25th, me and my girlfriend took it slow and went around a shopping mall, and then in the evening we went to an awesome Yakiniku restaraunt (basically a BBQ-style restaurant) near where she lives. I came home just earlier now, and woke Kim up to hear the horrific news…
Originally he was meant to go to his girlfriend’s place and stay there several nights over into the new year, with the one compromise that he sleep “with the men” in some separate place. Yesterday evening, around 11 pm, they changed their mind about this arrangement. They decided that nah, he can’t sleep there after all, because “the brother will be out and about a lot, and Kim won’t know how to operate the gas/electricity system.”
Translation: “bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit, bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit/bullshit bullshit.” So Kim’s to go there today and return back home today. Gee, that is absolutely horrendous. And so inconceivably incorrect, courtesy-wise. The reason, we think, is actually that his girlfriend has been coming to Kyoto a little too often and been staying a little too late lately, so her mother has gotten grumpy. Mothers, I tell you, scary people.
I can’t speak for others living in Japan with Japanese girl- or boyfriends, but I know that for me, the biggest shock coming here has been and most likely will continue to be, the codes of conduct regarding hospitality. The abysmal differences in how to behave properly, and how to be hospitable.
This uchi (own group) and soto (“outside”, everything that’s not one’s own group) way of thinking is a very big part of the Japanese way of thinking, isn’t it.
I’d say, Mainly, there are two big reasons for this kind of behaviour from Japanese parents;
1. Not being married. You’re partner’s family will always put you in the ‘soto’ category as long as you’re not married.
2. Being a foreigner. Even if you get married, to a certain extent, you’ll be stuck in the ‘soto’ category. Foreigners are and will always be different, interesting and strange in the eyes of Japanese people. This can be both a good and a bad thing.
Seems I’m quite lucky with my girlfriend and her parents. I’m sure they’d want us to get married asap, but at least I feel like they really try their best to treat me well. Also, I think I’ve become quite good at acting along with Japanese manners and understand the Japanese way of thinking, which of course helps a bit..
By the way, didn’t mean this as an explanation for you, Kalle. I’m sure you already know the uchi/soto concept and all this stuff. Just my own thoughts and possibly people not living in Japan could be interested.
I agree 100%. I actually consider myself very lucky too, with my girlfriend’s family. Even though they are quite conservative, they seem to accept me and they go out of their way to help me out when I need it. New Years being a noteable exception.
When I brought this thing up in school, my teacher was quite baffled, though, and couldn’t possibly understand why they wouldn’t let me be with them during the New Year, so it’s not a dominant way of thinking by far. I think as I wrote above, that this has to do with hospitality and what is and isn’t proper, as much as it does me being a foreigner or me and my girlfriend not being married. In Sweden, NOT inviting someone close to the family (e.g. being the boyfriend of a/the daughter of the family) to a family thing* is considered quite improper — absurd, even.
Edit: *when they are physically unable to spend that family thing with their own family
Sorry to hear about the in-laws not letting you spend new year’s eve with them, that sucks! But at least it ended up that you could wake up together on New Year’s Day.
I think everything depends a lot on the girl’s family, and I’m quite lucky in that regard. Before I even came to live in Japan, after having been together with my girlfriend for only a few months, I was still invited over by her family for New Year’s as I had planned to visit from the UK for 2 weeks over that period.
Of course I was made to sleep in my girlfriend’s bedroom, and she slept in the room with her parents, but I still got to spend the time with them, including walking up to the shrine after the midnight bells had tolled. It wasn’t a big family gathering though, just 6 of us including my girlfriend’s brother and his wife.
I think I was quite fortunate that at the time of my initial introduction to my girlfriend’s parents we weren’t actually dating, just friends – as we’d first met in London. So while I was travelling I came to Japan to see her, and did the whole introduction, and then proceeded to drink with her dad. I think it could have been the demonstration at that time that while he, like a lot of Japanese, couldn’t handle his alcohol and passed out drunk, I was still very much ok, and therefore got some sort of seal of approval. Maybe.
But I really do consider myself very fortunate with her family. They’ve been very accepting and, although cautious about my future job prospects – as I’m sure all parents are – very kind to us both.
Oh, and if I may, I’d like to add an announcement. I asked my girlfriend to marry me on Christmas Eve while we were staying in a nice ryokan I surprised her with, and she accepted. So I’m a very happy bunny.
Enjoy the rest of your holidays Kalle!
Wow, man, congratulations!
I wish you both bundles of happiness in sporadic succession so you don’t get too accustomed to them (more fun that way! 
)!
As for drinking with Japanese, unfortunately the girl’s dad can’t drink a drop of alcohol – and knows it, so he doesn’t ever drink anything at all. The mother on the other hand… *snickers*
As for the New Years… well, I made a compromise with my girlfriend. Whenever they have some “family only” event in the future and I’m not invited, she’s obligated to take me on a super-awesome date in compensation. A fair trade, I say, and I might even enjoy that more than I would have the family event.
Good luck with the Ikkyuu in July btw! It’s definitely worth a try.
Woahh, you live in Japan? Lucky! My friend is currently in Nara right now xP. I live in Canada, by the way.
Yeah, the Japanese put a big emphasis on “family time” during the new years. I hope you don’t take it too badly.
Happy late holidays~
Nah, I’m not taking it too badly, especially since I actually get to be with the girlfriend on midnight.
I just am baffled by the occasional inhospitality.
I did wonder. Your name seems Japanese, but maybe it’s just a nickname you use. I thought maybe you were Japanese but not living in Japan, thus not knowing how to read kanjis, or maybe not knowing Japanese at all before you started studying. No need to answer that one unless you feel like you wanna.
Edit: Oh and happy new years!