I started university the end of August this year. I’m a late bloomer, what can I say. I like it, though. Wish I’d done this something like 10 years earlier.
I’m so happy I live in this country, where it’s possible to go to uni at the age of 30. In Japan, people start pressuring you about it at the age of, oh, 5. Months.
I digress. At uni, I’m now taking two courses — engineering methodology and linear algebra. The former is a pain, the latter is fun. The former mainly comprises of the following:
Be put into a group with 7 other people, plan and execute a fairly big project (1-2 months of 16 hours/week worth of “work”), and then present the results. And write a bunch of reports about how it all went.
Said project turned out to be assembling and programming a LEGO Mindstorms NXT robot. I was “fairly” lucky with my team mates, except that the majority want to “take the short cut” and sort of just pretend not to exist so they don’t have to do anything.
I don’t blame them, really. We were a pretty disorganized bunch from the get go, and it was really hard to get everyone things to do. There were only so many sub-components of the robot you could make before you ran out, and building the robot required at most two people — more, and there’re too many hands fidgeting.
I also don’t blame them for starting to talk shit about me behind my back. It happened after we had been sitting in a “seminar” which was obligatory, talking about a chapter in the engineering methodology book we had been required to read. First though, to get some perspective, this is the deal:
I’m working 50% plus attending school. That means I have 4 less hours each (week)day to studying or relaxing. This is considered normal in most countries, but in Sweden, being a uni student is considered the equivalent of working approximately 125%. In effect, I’m now occupied 175% with work and/or school. That’s 70 hour weeks.
So there we are in the seminar, and people haven’t done what they were supposed to. The assignment clearly said “read the book and then pick out stuff from parts 2-4 and bring to the seminar”, and people interpreted “parts 2-4″, conveniently, as “chapters 2-4″ (which were all in part 1). So we take 15 mins where people read up “real quick” on the other parts, and then discuss… and…
… it’s just retarded. Absolute, raw, unfiltered retardation. People were saying things like,
A. “Okay guys, so! The next item on the list goes: ensuring group unity. Anyone have anything to say?”
B. “Oh yeah, we totally need to have group unity. It’s like, super important. Without group unity we won’t be as effective and such.”
A. “That’s awesome, B. How do we ensure group unity?”
B. “You know, we have to stick together and shit. Back each other up.”
A. “Perfect.” (writes this whole thing down on lap top)
And it spirals downward from there. I’m sitting there watching these people with this empty, glazed over expression in my eyes, and at some point I just involuntarily start grunting agreement in an extremely sarcastic voice. I’m serious when I say I felt like someone was controlling me, because even though I knew how bad it was, I couldn’t stop myself.
Meanwhile someone pulls out their math book, walks over to me, and starts asking me questions about some problem. In the middle of the seminar. I look at the book for a brief moment, then turn back to the room and pretend nothing’s happened. So totally not me.
Then eventually I just stand up and say, “Well since you guys are doing math, I’m gonna head home and work.” and leave.
And that’s where it sort of started. People laughing for no reason when I say or do something. It bothered me initially, but then I stopped caring. I also stopped caring about courtesy in the group, coming at appointed times and leaving when we’re done, doing everything I can for the project, but nothing for the people in it. They’d stop talking when I came into the room, or even say things like “The group is already falling apart, *laugh laugh chuckle chuckle*” when I did. I always felt like confronting them when that happened, but instead I just grinned back and said something like “Yeah, me and (random name of person who’s also not there at the moment) have decided to dump you guys from the project.” And I realized it was because I actually don’t mind that they use me as “the bad guy” to talk about whenever I’m not around.
I’m comfortably fine being an asshole, and I know I’m being one. And I know it’s partly my fault. It feels good. It’s so unlike me, it’s as if it’s not me at all.
It’s partly my fault. When I started my classes I was determined at a completely separate level from the others in my group — all of them. I was dead set on doing everything in my power to get everything done as fast and efficiently as possible. I just came into it with this zero tolerance for “unnecessity” that made me lash out or do things I normally never would. The others ranged from “want to get grade” to “want to do something good with the time”, which I’d say is the healthy, normal state (or the latter, at least).
And I just don’t take bullshit the way I used to. At some point in the last couple of years, my patience has just… diminished.
Not great, perhaps. But there are other, good things too in this.
Throughout all of this, I realized something dark and dirty about myself. Throughout my life, I’ve loathed being hated. The mere thought of someone out there hating me, or even slightly disliking me, has always haunted me and affected my actions. Now, seeing these people around me being petty as they are (and they are; even if it is partly my fault), I’m struck by the realization that I absolutely couldn’t care less if they hate, or dislike, me, and if I don’t care about people I’ve been around 16 hours a week for the last two months, why on earth should I care what a stranger on the street thinks about me?
I should rather care about what those I care about think, or those I respect think, or not care about what anyone thinks and just do what I think is right. Not thinking about what other people think is a mindblowing concept, to me.
Late bloomer, what can I say.